The Midlife Chase

Y'all, I'm tired. 

I go to bed at night and I try to calm my mind from all the thoughts of the day, but I often feel like I've failed at everything. 

Marriage isn't easy.  Raising three boys isn't either.  These four men depend on me for so many things.  I work hard during the day, and working from home has it's challenges.  I find myself worrying about all the non-work things that need to get done.  It's frustrating. 

Sometimes I get to the end of my day and wonder what I actually did, or why I didn't get to do anything I really wanted to do.  I sacrifice what I want for the needs of my family.  And that is a tough realization.  It is so easy to lose sight of what I want and need when I'm busy caring for everyone else.  Some days all I do is put out little fires.  Other days it's equivalent to a dumpster fire.  

Maybe this comes with the territory of being in my forties.  For so long I have been chasing more.  I'm constantly busy, always doing more, more, and more.  I hear myself saying, "Just one more thing! I can get one more thing done!"  But at the end of the day I feel like I've actually done less. Less is more, right? Perhaps I need to do less to feel less stressed.

On the other hand, this could all be brought on by the COVID madness that is apparently never going to end. I can't watch the news without feeling furious over the statistics.  I cried yesterday when my kids' school district decided to cancel all fall sports.  I was looking forward to watching my son run cross country this season.  It's not that I don't understand why they've made this decision, I just can't comprehend the fear that is still rampant about this virus.  It's not going away tomorrow, or even next month.  It may linger for the next year.  I can't stop living my life or live in fear. 

Time to reset my life.  I need to prioritize, stop saying yes to things I don't really want to do.

Time to stop chasing things I don't really need or want.