The Midlife Chase
Y'all, I'm tired.
I go to bed at night and I try to calm my mind from all the thoughts of the day, but I often feel like I've failed at everything.
Marriage isn't easy. Raising three boys isn't either. These four men depend on me for so many things. I work hard during the day, and working from home has it's challenges. I find myself worrying about all the non-work things that need to get done. It's frustrating.
Sometimes I get to the end of my day and wonder what I actually did, or why I didn't get to do anything I really wanted to do. I sacrifice what I want for the needs of my family. And that is a tough realization. It is so easy to lose sight of what I want and need when I'm busy caring for everyone else. Some days all I do is put out little fires. Other days it's equivalent to a dumpster fire.
Maybe this comes with the territory of being in my forties. For so long I have been chasing more. I'm constantly busy, always doing more, more, and more. I hear myself saying, "Just one more thing! I can get one more thing done!" But at the end of the day I feel like I've actually done less. Less is more, right? Perhaps I need to do less to feel less stressed.
On the other hand, this could all be brought on by the COVID madness that is apparently never going to end. I can't watch the news without feeling furious over the statistics. I cried yesterday when my kids' school district decided to cancel all fall sports. I was looking forward to watching my son run cross country this season. It's not that I don't understand why they've made this decision, I just can't comprehend the fear that is still rampant about this virus. It's not going away tomorrow, or even next month. It may linger for the next year. I can't stop living my life or live in fear.
Time to reset my life. I need to prioritize, stop saying yes to things I don't really want to do.
Time to stop chasing things I don't really need or want.
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