We Deserve to Be Loved
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
Let that sink in for a minute.
For so many years I struggled with insecurity and low self-esteem.
I believed I'd never be good enough, pretty enough, thin enough. I attached my self-worth to what I believed others thought about me.
Almost a year ago I had a mid-life crisis. The impending reality of turning forty wrecked me mentally and emotionally. I was depressed about my weight and my looks. I was angry about all the years I wasted worrying about superficial things. I didn't achieve all of the goals and accomplishments I set for myself. I cried almost daily. I had panic attacks.
I thought I was going crazy. I didn't know I was suffering from depression.
In the midst of the chaos I craved independence. I wanted to be free and unattached from all the expectations of my husband, children, family, friends and society. I wanted to be the real me.
But who was I?
Did I even know myself?
More importantly, did I love myself enough to find out?
As the months went on I took time to get to know me. I started taking care of my health. I began doing the things I loved. I had to actively decide to stop doing what others expected of me. I delegated parental duties to my husband. I helped my children learn to do things for themselves.
But it wasn't easy. Guilt quickly reared its ugly head and I felt selfish for taking time for myself. I fought through days where I could barely get out of bed because I thought I was letting my family down. Depression and anxiety are complicated things. You don't simply wake up one day a completely different person. I had to choose to work through this. I had to learn to ask for help.
What was difficult was accepting failure. I had to be okay with the fact that some days would be difficult. Sometimes things wouldn't go as I planned. I had to force myself to remember life isn't fair. I am not perfect.
As I began to evaluate who I was and what was important to me, I realized I had hidden so much of myself from others because I was afraid I couldn't live up to their expectations. I didn't think I fit in. I was terrified of getting hurt. I only showed people what I wanted them to see. I wanted them to believe I was perfect. I wanted them to think I could do it all.
I discovered that my insecurity led me into toxic situations. I endured friendships and relationships with people who treated me poorly. Over the years, I let people into my life who hurt me because I didn't believe I deserved better. They came into my life during moments of vulnerability. They took advantage of my kindness, my willingness to give and give without expectation of anything in return.
And I let it happen.
Over and over again.
These last eighteen months have taught me so many things.
I know I'm not alone. So many people struggle with self-worth, anxiety and depression. They believe they'll never be good enough. They believe they'll never be "normal." They think things will never get better or that no one cares. I care. If you're reading this and need a supportive friend in your life, I'm your gal.
I know who I am. I think always knew but I never gave myself permission to just be me. Life is too short to worry about what others think.
I need to be kind to myself. Self-acceptance and love are important in changing your frame of mind. Negative self-talk serves no purpose in my life any longer.
But the most important lesson learned is that I deserve to be loved.
So do you.
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